From Margaret Everton on September 09, 2009 in Window Replacement
An intimate look at the décor preferences of our favorite sentient beings
By: Brittany Mauriss & Taylen Peterson
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, every window in the Star Wars universe shattered from the underwater shrieks of a million dying Gungans. Yes, the Jar-Jar Binks clan had to go. And no, they wont be missed. But now, the Rebel Alliance faces the impossible task of intergalactic window replacement and thus created the aptly named Allied Forces Inter-Galactic Window Replacement Task Force (AFIGWRTF). Which parasitic species require anti-ooze sealants for their two-foot tongues? Who or what is a Lumpawaroo? And does a long acronym defeat the purpose of an acronym? All this and more shall be answered in CalFinders edition of Star Wars Window Replacement.
First stop: Jabbas Palace
Welcome to the root of all gluttony.
Controversy arose on the shores of Dune Sea regarding Jabba the Hutts public indecency. Allegedly, neighboring Jawas found it entirely inappropriate that every morning, the festering, mountainous pustule fatty-mcsnack-pack puts on lipstick and shimmies in place to the Jonas Brothers. And his habit of bending over periodically to back that thing up did not go over well at all.
However, Jabba is the city, and had the out criers promptly executed. But the task force felt their pain. Under the cover of nightfall, our heroes infiltrated Jabbas heavily guarded bedroom parlor (yes, past the rigorous ugnaught security) and installed tiny arch tops in place of Jabbas scenic picture windows. The results are to-die-for:
XXX Wol Cabasshite Action
This parasitic Wol Cabasshite is called Ghoel. You may have seen him hanging around the ceiling of Jabbas Palace casually licking passersby. But this isnt some base lower life form, and he shouldnt be degraded as such. He comes from a race of philosophical intelligent beings that communicate with each other through song. And those songs usually turn into serenades. And Wol Cabasshites make love to each other by exchanging genetic material during sensual tongue rubs. So, yes, that is a picture of Ghoels brief but very meaningful attempt at impregnating C-3PO.
You may be wondering why this ultra frisky genius is permitted to repeatedly violate Jabbas entourage. Thats because his tongue is a one-of-a-kind window cleaner. To keep Ghoel in service, Jabbas contractors coated the palace windows with authentic Wol Cabasshite love saliva to fool him into cleaning them. Lets just say it worked.
Death Star Epic Fail
Darth Vader put in an order for electric force-field windows for the Death Star, but its held up in years of red tape. Instead, he had tiny, two-meter wide windows and one exhaust vent (yes, that one) installed around the ship. They were designed to be so small that nothing could possibly penetrate the Death Stars defenses. Unless youre an all right small-time pilot from Tatooine. And the son of the Chosen One. And Darth Vaders an idiot.
True Fan Pop Quiz!
Q: What kind of windows does the planet of Alderaan need?
A: None, on account of it being disintegrated by the Death Star!
Ever the independent swamp hermit, Yoda started his own DIY project to replace the windows he carelessly back flipped through as a very young Yoda. The result of his handiwork is nothing short of a masterpiece. Did you expect anything less? Judge him by his size, do you? The shatterproof bay windows now reinforced do wonders to open up the room. When asked why he refused to consult with installation professionals, he replied, “Yoda I am, replace I will.” There was still one lingering question why he decided to repair only the windows and not the disgusting nature of the rest of his home. Yoda quickly retorted with, “Mudhole? Slimy? My home this is!” Luckily for us, Yoda is not easily offended…the force is still with us.
Deep in the Star Wars universe, theres a little city called Death. Now largely uninhabited, this rampantly violent All-Humans Free-for-All was previously known as Slowly Dying (think Australia circa British Empire or humans in the state of nature). After the last people died, the AIFGWRTF set forth to rebuild the city in hopes of attracting a youthful, fresh batch of humans. Of course, given the nature of the city as death incarnate, blaster-beam-proof windows are being added to all structures in hopes that the fatal particle beam energy homicides will be drastically reduced. Suggestions for a new name of the city are welcome.
Bright Tree Village
Warning: precious material ahead. High in the tree-tops of Happy Grove on Endor’s forest moon sits Bright Tree Village. Home of the very progressive, forward-thinking Ewoks, this sustainable treehouse colony is the greenest youll find in any galaxy. This means that Ewoks are probably the most advanced cuddly bears in the universe. What type of window upgrade does the AFIGWRTF recommend? Thats right, geeks Energy efficient Low E-4 windows, of course! The Ewoks already have a completely sustainable village, but energy bills are skyrocketing ever since Chief Chirpa bought that new Jacuzzi. Hes hardly seen in the daytime anymore.
Simply put, Chewie likes to break things. Thickness of window pane matters not. The Wookie is prone to fits of rage at home trying to discipline his son, the wily fur ball Lumpawaroo. We just cant seem to wrap our heads around that childs reckless antics (what, you didnt catch the Star Wars Holiday Special?)
Jedi Temple Gets A Makeover
The toughest architectural material in Star Wars is Durasteel. And thats a fact. However, no one thought to reinforce the Temple not even the Jedi Council could foresee an earth-shattering mass Gungan kool-aid catastrophe (they all seemed pretty pleased with themselves). Anyway, to restore the Jedi Temple to its former glory, the task force installed breathtaking Durasteel Stained Glass Windows for super impenetrability. Luke Skywalker requested the woven glass himself on handwritten stationary. For aesthetics. Lukes a lovely man and we stand by that statement.