From John on November 20th, 2009 in Kitchen Remodel
Everyone has a favorite dry turkey story, but breast meat like sawdust won’t separate you from the top-tier turkey terrorists. From the fairly common rookie mistake of leaving the neck bone and giblets in a cooking bird to the rare and potentially burn-inducing deep-fried turkey melt-down, the bird is the word when it comes to major Thanksgiving game-changers.
Just ask these poor, misguided souls!
#1 – The Stubbornest TurkeyZilla There Ever Was
Says Bill McD:
Several years ago, we jumped into growing our own food by deciding to raise and then butcher the turkey. My wife came home from the feed store with a turkey chick sometime in June, declaring that the feed store said this was the time to start a bird to eat the last week in November. By October, this giant bird was running around the yard and then by November, it resembled a small elephant. The turkey dressed out at some 45 plus pounds and wouldn’t even fit into the oven on the bottom rack, as the breast bone was hitting the top of the door frame. We whacked it with a bread board to break down the breast. We invited anybody and everybody to dinner and sent everyone home with LOTS of turkey.
#2 – Soggy Hot Tub Turkey, Anyone?
“With two babies under the age of 4, I decided to host Thanksgiving dinner at my house. Never having purchased a whole turkey before, I waited until the day before and found, of course, only frozen birds. Okay, no problem, I’ll just leave it out all night and we’ll be good to go. Wrong. We ended up trying to defrost it in the bathtub to no avail. Then we thought with its continuous heat and bubbles we could defrost it in the spa. Did you know turkey’s float? So there our turkey was bobbing around with the foamy bubbles outside in the spa. The moment my two young boys saw it they exclaimed, ‘Look! A boat!’”
#3 – “You’d never make it in a real kitchen.”
Says Brandi Woodall:
“At age 20, young and recently married, I decided to host my first Thanksgiving dinner. Not knowing how to even begin cooking a turkey, I opted for a turkey breast. Because I was so young… and uber excited about the crock pot I had gotten as a wedding gift, I thought, “I can save precious oven space, and just cook the turkey breast in the crock pot.” Did you know that you CAN overcook something in a crock pot?? When everyone showed up, and I began to assemble the table w/food, I lifted the lid on the crock pot to find turkey soup. It had completely disintegrated…to which my new Mother in Law replied, ‘You’d never make it in a real kitchen.’ Thanksgiving…not so much.”
Hot Dish Debacles
Keeping the myriad of Thanksgiving dishes warm before dinner is a delicate juggling act. The heat thresholds of various forms of crockery combined with the volatile, creamy substances we love are a recipe for eruption. Beware the large glass dish left warming too long on a backburner when it explodes on impact and coats the guests in a drippy green bean casserole cascade.
#4 – An Extra-Special Ingredient
“Years ago, my non-cook girlfriend (really, she was more like The AntiCook) made a pumpkin pie from scratch for my Thanksgiving dinner. As she carried her contribution proudly up to my front door, a bird in the tree above the walkway took wing – and pooped in the middle of that beautiful dessert. After a couple of stunned seconds, I said, “You know, it looks kinda like whipped cream.” And that was the year I scooped bird poop out of the pumpkin pie and filled the void with whipped cream.”
#5 – The Great Pumpkin Plague of ‘63
“When I was seven years old, my mom–who can’t cook to save her life–made a pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving. She put about 20 WHOLE CLOVES in the pie. No one could understand why the pie had big black dots all over it and tasted horrible!”
Via Bite Club Beats
The Uninvited Guest
Most of our four-legged friends are content to sit out Thanksgiving, waiting patiently on the sidelines for a shot at the usual leftover turkey scraps, giblets and gizzards. But some cunning canines take matters into their own hands, or should I say huge, carnivorous jaws. To those unlucky few who’ve never experienced the pure comedic hilarity of a dog snatching the turkey off of a Thanksgiving table, you’ve never experienced genuine laughter.
#6 – The Killer Thanksgiving Tale
My own experience involves a sister-in-law who will remain nameless and blameless, her dog, Killer, and you guessed it, the Thanksgiving turkey. As Killer bolted out the door and to the backyard with his new fowl friend, the chase began in earnest. “Killer, you bad dog, you come back with that turkey right now,” echoed through the quiet neighborhood as my sides ached – not from over eating, but from ROTFLMAO. Hence forward, the event was referenced at all family gatherings as the “Killer Thanksgiving.”
#7 – And You Thought Your Houseguests Were Rude
“We had invited a couple of friends over for dinner one night. They called sort of last minute and said that a friend of the husband’s had just unexpectedly dropped in and they didn’t know what to do with him. Wanting to be a gracious hostess, I said, “Bring him with you!” Boy, what a mistake that was. This guy was the most obnoxious guest we’ve ever had in our home. I had made a lovely dinner, complete with homemade rolls and homemade dessert, and had worked very hard at it. He picked at his food (which everyone else wolfed down, so I know it was just him) and actually complained about the way I’d spiced the main course! When it was time for dessert, he loudly announced to the room, “Ewww, I hate lemon meringue pie” and proceeded to retire to the living room, where he turned on the television loudly while the rest of us finished dessert. I couldn’t wait for him to leave–and when he did leave, I was not surprised that he didn’t bother saying “Nice to have met you” or “Thanks for dinner.” We never saw him again, thank God!”
Via Word Banquet
What was your worst Thanksgiving of all time?
Share your horror stories with us – you know it makes us feel better about our own!