From John on November 11th, 2009 in Kitchen Remodel
Close your eyes and think of the ugliest kitchen you’ve ever seen. Now open them and brace yourself for something much, much worse. We know Halloween’s over, but we couldn’t resist showcasing the best of the worst kitchen remodels that money can buy (yes, people actually paid good money to horrify their neighbors). So without further ado, we give you…
10 Kitchen Remodel FAILS!
Somewhere out there, there’s a fat guy missing his favorite Hawaiian shirt
#1 – If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that certain environments are not conducive to killer hangovers. Case in point: this sunset-flamingo 80s kitchen. I’m sure hot pink cabinets sounded good at the paint store, and to be honest, the owner, Kim, has done a decent job transforming a small, older kitchen into a lively space. But that said, when I wake up in the morning, I don’t want to hula dance or stick my head in the oven. I want breakfast.
#2 – Nothing says tasteless overindulgence like a crystal chandelier in the kitchen. Well, except maybe pink lacey birthday-cake curtains. This preposterous palace of pink panache had to cost a bundle of green, but it proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that money can’t buy you style. An overdose of elegance is just as lethal as no elegance at all.
#3 – Some remodels happen in phases and some of those phases can be decades apart. Take this kitchen’s cavalcade of mismatched design trends spanning the last fifty years. Let’s see, white appliances from the 90s, baby blue and white mosaic tile and backsplash from the 80s, beige countertops from sometime in this century and those cabinets and crazy wall mosaics? Oh, we’re talking 60s original stock equipment, baby, yeah.
#4 – The kitchen is the least of this home’s remodel problems. Evidently sealed in a Palm Springs time capsule for 50 years, this retro-velveteen train wreck is where bright orange, lime green, hot pink and scarlet live side-by-side in garish disharmony. At least in the subdued Brady Bunch kitchen with its velvet and wood blinds, you can give your eyeballs a rest and make Elvis another peanut butter, banana and bacon sandwich. Thank you, thank you very much!
#5 – Kermit the Frog was right, it’s not easy being green. There’s just something unnatural about manmade green and the colors in this kitchen are no exception. There’s a happy ending to this story when Terry, the proud homeowner, scored another remodel from her local radio station by winning an Ugly Kitchen Contest from 101.5 Silk FM, Kalowna’s at-work station. The next remodel is Terry’s musical tastes.
#6 – If an El Torito Mexican restaurant is your idea of fancy décor, this detour off the Santa Fe Trail could be your cup of cactus juice. Turquoise-colored countertops draw the eyes away from the monolithic black refrigerator and salmon paste cabinetry. And yes, that turquoise carpet in the background is wall-to-wall all along the trail.
Waitress, another margarita, stat.
#7 – I think the ceiling fan really pulls this kitchen together, does it not? Speaking of pulled together, you may not want to put too much weight on the cabinets – they all seem to be load-bearing. The popcorn asbestos ceiling and trendy, stained cement floors compete for your attention as the constant threat of complete kitchen collapse gives this space an air of excitement and anticipation.
#8 – Whoever remodeled this kitchen is obviously hooked on hooks and caries a deep-seated phobia of cabinetry. If the labyrinth of pots, pans, plates and glasses isn’t busy enough for you, large “café” tiles for the backsplash corner the market on clutter. This kitchen remodel reminds us all that some people should never be given access to an IKEA catalog.
#9 – It looks like poor Kimmy from Sedona wanted a southwestern look in her newly remodeled kitchen to contrast the beautiful orange and red rocks of the Arizona desert, but that idea went southwest as well when the contractor picked out the cabinets with a blindfold on just for kicks. More than likely, he probably spent too much time and too much coinage on the copper countertops and then had to shave a penny or two on the cabinets to make a buck. We’ll find out soon enough when the small claims judge has his say.
#10 – There’s plenty to not like about this well-intentioned remodel, but sometimes you have to wonder where people hatch these crazy color schemes. It does, however, give us a chance to play everybody’s favorite online game show, “Name that Totally Hideous Wall Color!” Well Jay, I’m going to have to go with Pistachio. Buzz! Oh, I’m sorry, the correct answer was “Mint Chip.” While we’re at it, what color are those cabinets? “Cookies and Cream?” Ding-Ding-Ding, we have a winner!