From Margaret Everton on September 17, 2009 in Kitchen Remodel
So maybe your kitchen has seen better days. No one’s judging! In fact, CalFinder is here for you. We’ll tell you if you’re cooking in a drippy swamp or your oven is home to five species of raccoon. Here are our top 13 remodeling red flags.
It’s time to remodel IF….
#1 - You’re keeping the kitchen table steady with a stale cookie. #2 – Your drapes match the tablecloth and they both look like they came out of Pizza Hut.
#3 - There’s a parasitic colony multiplying in your wood countertops and they’ve just elected a new leader to weigh the pros & cons of going to war with your rats. So. Since you’re already dealing with mass extermination, you might as well go all out and get awesome new countertops.
#4 - Your garbage disposal starts a food fight with you. And wins. That gurgling dinosaur under the sink drains your electricity every day and doesn’t even smell good. A trash compactor or compost system, however, is eco-friendly and totally discreet. It won’t tell anyone you couldn’t finish that side of ribs Tuesday night or that your kids have been sneaking powdered donuts from your secret stash. Oops.
#5 - Your uncle Garth walks into your fluorescent-lit kitchen and says, “Wait, I’ve seen this porno before. Vintage 70s, right?” There’s no coming back from that. We can only safely recommend that you hire someone to gut that entire kitchen.
#6 - When you have tchotchke in your kitchen… you should in no way, shape or form have tchotchke in your kitchen. It’s 2009. Why not use your counter space for sweet kitchen gadgets? Get this – they’re actually useful. And better than the Hillary Clinton nutcracker.
#7 - You’re not the only one grubbing at midnight in the rafters of your woodland hobbit home. My money’s on the two-foot snake. (Note: Please see our article about purging bad energy from your house).
#8 - CSI called and they want their autopsy laboratory back. Oh god, just burn it to the ground. This is the world’s first kitchen designed to keep you on a diet.
#9 - Your 90 year-old grandmother says your appliances are so modern. Spare yourself the indirect insult. Energy Star appliances are green, energy efficient and your grandma will think the toaster is a robot. Life doesn’t get any better than that.
#10 - The neighbors are a tad… eccentric. If the animal cries of beer-chugging yokels keep you up at night, you’d do well to upgrade your leaky windows for efficiency (not to mention security).
#11 - You keep smashing your fingers from the doggone child locks on the cabinets. Never mind your kid moved out three years ago to study English and the origin of the curse words you string together every time you crush a thumbnail in one of those drawers. Smart kid. Wonder where he gets it.
#12 - Your fridge is like a box of chocolates – you never know what temperature you’re gonna get… Is pouring a glass of milk a crapshoot between a solid popsicle or room-temperature sludge? It’s time to grab something a little cooler, inside and out. If it has to look like it’s from the fifties, then try this retro fridge. The look should be old. The food should not.
#13 – We just can’t get over #8. It’s haunted. It’s a haunted kitchen and it makes us fear strangers. If this is your home, we don’t want to talk to you.