Everyone has a favorite dry turkey story, but breast meat like sawdust won’t separate you from the top-tier turkey terrorists. From the fairly common rookie mistake of leaving the neck bone and giblets in a cooking bird to the rare and potentially burn-inducing deep-fried turkey melt-down, the bird is the word when it comes to major Thanksgiving game-changers.

Just ask these poor, misguided souls!

#1 – The Stubbornest TurkeyZilla There Ever Was

Says Bill McD:

Several years ago, we jumped into growing our own food by deciding to raise and then butcher the turkey. My wife came home from the feed store with a turkey chick sometime in June, declaring that the feed store said this was the time to start a bird to eat the last week in November. By October, this giant bird was running around the yard and then by November, it resembled a small elephant. The turkey dressed out at some 45 plus pounds and wouldn’t even fit into the oven on the bottom rack, as the breast bone was hitting the top of the door frame. We whacked it with a bread board to break down the breast. We invited anybody and everybody to dinner and sent everyone home with LOTS of turkey.

#2 – Soggy Hot Tub Turkey, Anyone?

From Sarah:

“With two babies under the age of 4, I decided to host Thanksgiving dinner at my house. Never having purchased a whole turkey before, I waited until the day before and found, of course, only frozen birds. Okay, no problem, I’ll just leave it out all night and we’ll be good to go. Wrong. We ended up trying to defrost it in the bathtub to no avail. Then we thought with its continuous heat and bubbles we could defrost it in the spa. Did you know turkey’s float? So there our turkey was bobbing around with the foamy bubbles outside in the spa. The moment my two young boys saw it they exclaimed, ‘Look! A boat!’”

#3 – “You’d never make it in a real kitchen.”

Says Brandi Woodall:

“At age 20, young and recently married, I decided to host my first Thanksgiving dinner. Not knowing how to even begin cooking a turkey, I opted for a turkey breast. Because I was so young… and uber excited about the crock pot I had gotten as a wedding gift, I thought, “I can save precious oven space, and just cook the turkey breast in the crock pot.” Did you know that you CAN overcook something in a crock pot?? When everyone showed up, and I began to assemble the table w/food, I lifted the lid on the crock pot to find turkey soup. It had completely disintegrated…to which my new Mother in Law replied, ‘You’d never make it in a real kitchen.’ Thanksgiving…not so much.”

Hot Dish Debacles

Keeping the myriad of Thanksgiving dishes warm before dinner is a delicate juggling act. The heat thresholds of various forms of crockery combined with the volatile, creamy substances we love are a recipe for eruption. Beware the large glass dish left warming too long on a backburner when it explodes on impact and coats the guests in a drippy green bean casserole cascade.

#4 – An Extra-Special Ingredient

“Years ago, my non-cook girlfriend (really, she was more like The AntiCook) made a pumpkin pie from scratch for my Thanksgiving dinner. As she carried her contribution proudly up to my front door, a bird in the tree above the walkway took wing – and pooped in the middle of that beautiful dessert. After a couple of stunned seconds, I said, “You know, it looks kinda like whipped cream.” And that was the year I scooped bird poop out of the pumpkin pie and filled the void with whipped cream.”

- Virginia Meyer

#5 – The Great Pumpkin Plague of ‘63

“When I was seven years old, my mom–who can’t cook to save her life–made a pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving. She put about 20 WHOLE CLOVES in the pie. No one could understand why the pie had big black dots all over it and tasted horrible!”

Via Bite Club Beats

The Uninvited Guest

Most of our four-legged friends are content to sit out Thanksgiving, waiting patiently on the sidelines for a shot at the usual leftover turkey scraps, giblets and gizzards. But some cunning canines take matters into their own hands, or should I say huge, carnivorous jaws. To those unlucky few who’ve never experienced the pure comedic hilarity of a dog snatching the turkey off of a Thanksgiving table, you’ve never experienced genuine laughter.

#6 – The Killer Thanksgiving Tale

My own experience involves a sister-in-law who will remain nameless and blameless, her dog, Killer, and you guessed it, the Thanksgiving turkey. As Killer bolted out the door and to the backyard with his new fowl friend, the chase began in earnest. “Killer, you bad dog, you come back with that turkey right now,” echoed through the quiet neighborhood as my sides ached – not from over eating, but from ROTFLMAO. Hence forward, the event was referenced at all family gatherings as the “Killer Thanksgiving.”

#7 – And You Thought Your Houseguests Were Rude

“We had invited a couple of friends over for dinner one night. They called sort of last minute and said that a friend of the husband’s had just unexpectedly dropped in and they didn’t know what to do with him. Wanting to be a gracious hostess, I said, “Bring him with you!” Boy, what a mistake that was. This guy was the most obnoxious guest we’ve ever had in our home. I had made a lovely dinner, complete with homemade rolls and homemade dessert, and had worked very hard at it. He picked at his food (which everyone else wolfed down, so I know it was just him) and actually complained about the way I’d spiced the main course! When it was time for dessert, he loudly announced to the room, “Ewww, I hate lemon meringue pie” and proceeded to retire to the living room, where he turned on the television loudly while the rest of us finished dessert. I couldn’t wait for him to leave–and when he did leave, I was not surprised that he didn’t bother saying “Nice to have met you” or “Thanks for dinner.” We never saw him again, thank God!”

Via Word Banquet

What was your worst Thanksgiving of all time?

Share your horror stories with us – you know it makes us feel better about our own!

Happy turkey cooking, all!

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Like moths to a flame, we humans are some fire lovin’ folk. Something about that flickering, heat-giving, forest-burning, mysterious glow that brings out the inner caveman in us all. For example, we had a little get together at the casa last Friday night and at one point, I just happened to notice that we had the gas fireplace going in the living room, the barbeque grilling on the front deck, food heating on the kitchen range top and some of our less reliable guests stoking the outdoor fire pit with dubious combustibles.

Suddenly, I felt the presence of Al Gore’s large, levitating head glowering down at me through a cloud of C02, and was filled with a foreboding sense of green guilt because at that moment, my carbon footprint must have been the size of Crusty the Clown’s shoe. But as the monster in Frankenstein said so eloquently, “Fire. Good!” Wouldn’t it be great if someone invented a stove that merged fireplace, woodstove, barbeque and cook stove into one, efficient, attractive unit?

Wait for it…

Congratulations, your wait is over! Say “Guter Tag” to the CookCook from Swiss stove-makers Ruegg-Cheminee. Taking its cues from the cast-iron, pot-bellied woodstoves of yore and injecting a modern, compact design and innovative indoor ventilation system, the CookCook finally brings the open fire back into the kitchen – where it belongs.

As more and more homes opt for the great room concept and integrate living room and kitchen into one large space, the CookCook’s multiple use as a grill, heating system and fireplace creates a warm focal point to the home, where food, warmth and flame converge to bring friends, family and those pyros in the front yard back into the kitchen. So, if you can’t stand the heat, well, you know what to do.

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Christina Aguilera’s Funkadelic Cook Space

Pop singer and four-time Grammy winner Christina Aguilera shares this funkadelic kitchen with her music-producing husband, Jordan Bratman, and their son, Max. Since the home’s former owners were the Osbournes, this is certainly not the first round of atypical décor the house has seen.

Christina’s kitchen is an eclectic melting pot of stylistic influence. Medieval, oriental and satirist antediluvian furnishings don’t stand a chance with the modernization of graffiti artwork, kaleidoscopic rugs and metallic red and purple kitchen counter seats all vying for the spotlight. Convention shows up somewhere in there by way of stainless appliances. Her creative vision? “I wanted every space to have its own personality.” Mission accomplished!

Kristen Bell’s Bright and Sunshiny Kitchen

Kristen is best known for her role as 17-year-old detective Veronica Mars

We finally tracked down the scoop on Kristen Bell’s Los Angeles kitchen. Here it is, brightened by Benjamin Moore’s Swiss Coffee paint on the walls and Simply White on the clean-lined cabinets. Deciding to reupholster the counter stools, she selected the same cheerful fabric that covers her living room ottoman. Girly accents like vivid dish towels, a yellow teapot and the sunflower bouquet finish the actress’s fresh look that she and her pups obviously delight in.

Seal and Heidi Klum’s Enchanting Cocina

Nothing like throwing a towel on for the camera. Seal looks as comfortable flipping pancakes for his supermodel-wife Heidi Klum as when he’s recording in the music studio.

With panoramic views of the ocean, the couple’s vacation home lies directly on the map of destination paradise – Costa Careyes, Mexico. Checkerboard tiles add a touch of harlequin and a splash of eclectic to this enchanting cocina. Light, bright walls and countertops harmonize with the square-latticed wood cabinets. And as if it couldn’t get any cooler, pro status stainless appliances adjacent to the deco-arch counter double as an island and the kitchen’s cook space. Somewhere close by is the family’s other favorite “room,” their saltwater pool. Magnífico! And, Seal half naked flipping pancakes? Bravo!

Vanessa Williams’ Charming Old World Kitchen

When Vanessa Williams isn’t playing the role of the self-absorbed, ex-supermodel antagonist Wilhelmina on Ugly Betty, she’s at her comfortable 6-bedroom Hollywood Hills home enjoying her lovely cook space.

The former Miss America’s nostalgic kitchen exhibits a desire to modernize only so far as the old and new coalesce. She’s all about mixing traditional pieces with the contemporary style of her home. Luminous black countertops anchor the taupe tile flooring and antiqued white cabinetry. The white backsplash adorned with two modest tile accents is simple yet elegant, and as the tile flows behind the sink, it creates an impressive contrast. The soft, earthy stone floors balance and unify warm with cool. Indeed, this kitchen’s tranquility is a soothing contrast to Vanessa’s fast-paced stage roles.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s Industrial-Grade Country Kitchen

Distinctive character, exquisite craftsmanship and a functional work space are all the design elements of the perfect kitchen. And that’s exactly what actors Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner had in mind when they purchased their new 8,800-square foot home in Pacific Palisades, California.

The spacious kitchen hosts buttery-yellow cabinets adorned with simple chrome hardware and rich, warm hardwood floors. The vintage central island boasts a distinctive thick-slab butcher block counter and chunky apron-front sink. The farmhouse kitchen carries a slight French country appeal with its design, layout and understated elegance. Special touches, including the overhead pot rack and dual range hoods accentuate the atmosphere, while the industrial-strength, oversized gas range anchors the kitchen and inspires some serious cooking.

Kelsey Grammer’s Spanish Revival Style

“That’s the heart of the home,” said Kelsey Grammer about the family’s classic white kitchen decked out with Carrara marble counters and hand-painted wraparound backsplash. A powder-blue trimmed sea grass rug frames the dining area surrounded by Spanish revival chairs and lit by hanging candelabra. Hardwood floors underfoot and paneled ceilings overhead complete the New York home’s gathering place.

Photo Credits: inStyle

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10 Kitchen Remodel FAILS!

Somewhere out there, there’s a fat guy missing his favorite Hawaiian shirt

#1 – If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that certain environments are not conducive to killer hangovers. Case in point: this sunset-flamingo 80s kitchen. I’m sure hot pink cabinets sounded good at the paint store, and to be honest, the owner, Kim, has done a decent job transforming a small, older kitchen into a lively space. But that said, when I wake up in the morning, I don’t want to hula dance or stick my head in the oven. I want breakfast.

#2 – Nothing says tasteless overindulgence like a crystal chandelier in the kitchen. Well, except maybe pink lacey birthday-cake curtains. This preposterous palace of pink panache had to cost a bundle of green, but it proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that money can’t buy you style. An overdose of elegance is just as lethal as no elegance at all.

#3 – Some remodels happen in phases and some of those phases can be decades apart. Take this kitchen’s cavalcade of mismatched design trends spanning the last fifty years. Let’s see, white appliances from the 90s, baby blue and white mosaic tile and backsplash from the 80s, beige countertops from sometime in this century and those cabinets and crazy wall mosaics? Oh, we’re talking 60s original stock equipment, baby, yeah.

#4 – The kitchen is the least of this home’s remodel problems. Evidently sealed in a Palm Springs time capsule for 50 years, this retro-velveteen train wreck is where bright orange, lime green, hot pink and scarlet live side-by-side in garish disharmony. At least in the subdued Brady Bunch kitchen with its velvet and wood blinds, you can give your eyeballs a rest and make Elvis another peanut butter, banana and bacon sandwich. Thank you, thank you very much!

#5 – Kermit the Frog was right, it’s not easy being green. There’s just something unnatural about manmade green and the colors in this kitchen are no exception. There’s a happy ending to this story when Terry, the proud homeowner, scored another remodel from her local radio station by winning an Ugly Kitchen Contest from 101.5 Silk FM, Kalowna’s at-work station. The next remodel is Terry’s musical tastes.

#6 – If an El Torito Mexican restaurant is your idea of fancy décor, this detour off the Santa Fe Trail could be your cup of cactus juice. Turquoise-colored countertops draw the eyes away from the monolithic black refrigerator and salmon paste cabinetry. And yes, that turquoise carpet in the background is wall-to-wall all along the trail.

Waitress, another margarita, stat.

#7 – I think the ceiling fan really pulls this kitchen together, does it not? Speaking of pulled together, you may not want to put too much weight on the cabinets – they all seem to be load-bearing. The popcorn asbestos ceiling and trendy, stained cement floors compete for your attention as the constant threat of complete kitchen collapse gives this space an air of excitement and anticipation.

#8 – Whoever remodeled this kitchen is obviously hooked on hooks and caries a deep-seated phobia of cabinetry. If the labyrinth of pots, pans, plates and glasses isn’t busy enough for you, large “café” tiles for the backsplash corner the market on clutter. This kitchen remodel reminds us all that some people should never be given access to an IKEA catalog.

#9 – It looks like poor Kimmy from Sedona wanted a southwestern look in her newly remodeled kitchen to contrast the beautiful orange and red rocks of the Arizona desert, but that idea went southwest as well when the contractor picked out the cabinets with a blindfold on just for kicks. More than likely, he probably spent too much time and too much coinage on the copper countertops and then had to shave a penny or two on the cabinets to make a buck. We’ll find out soon enough when the small claims judge has his say.

#10 – There’s plenty to not like about this well-intentioned remodel, but sometimes you have to wonder where people hatch these crazy color schemes. It does, however, give us a chance to play everybody’s favorite online game show, “Name that Totally Hideous Wall Color!” Well Jay, I’m going to have to go with Pistachio. Buzz! Oh, I’m sorry, the correct answer was “Mint Chip.” While we’re at it, what color are those cabinets? “Cookies and Cream?” Ding-Ding-Ding, we have a winner!

Photo Credits: Flickr, Hooked on Houses, Oh Chocolate Girl, Curbed, Silk, Ugly House Photos, RoomZaar, & Cambridge Kitchen

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Big Chill Retro Fridges

Take a good look at my place. You see the style looks out of place. If you look closer, it’s easy to trace the tracks of the years.

Two sizes, 12 colors, $2,495 and up. I can’t decide if these look more like Bic lighters or popsicles, but they’re yummy enough to make me want to redecorate 50s style.

Big Chill Stoves

Shown here in Beach Blue, Pink Lemonade, Buttercup Yellow, Jadite Green and Black, these cookers will inspire you to don an apron and cook in high heels. Almost.

Retro Seating

Fonzie says, pull up a stool or booth… and sit on it. These laminated vinyl pieces are luscious.

Throwback Lighting

The perfect mid-century light by which to dine. Tuna casserole, anyone?

Fifties Flooring

If the floor pattern doesn’t make you dizzy, you can do the sock hop on it.

Counter-Culture Countertop

Bah, Uba Tuba granite… Formica laminate makes a comeback!

And finally, might I suggest an accessory for your new retro kitchen:

This treasure by James Lileks adorns my own kitchen. (Note the cover’s same boomerang pattern as the above Formica). Every page is as funny as the chapter of my 60s cookbook that deals with the “blind munchies.”

Just as you would never actually cook a meal from Lilek’s book, if you wish to have house guests, refrain from overindulging in the glorious mix of colors to be found in new retro kitchens. Aqua boomerang Formica, black-and-white checkered flooring, purple laminate stools and a pink fridge may be overdoing it. Keep a balance with these gorgeous classics… or you’ll have some ‘splaining to do.

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The latest trend in appliances is the small multiple-purpose cooking device. Finally, some gadgets designed to keep up with our propensity toward multi-tasking! Here are a few of the newest, hottest small appliances for the kitchen that are seriously awesome and might make you the envy of all of your neighbors…

#1 – BAM! Don’t forget about Emeril – he didn’t forget about you. The master chef has designed a multiuse appliance to help you churn out gourmet meals in no time with a smaller amount of cleanup. The BAM! Machine is a 12-cup food processor, juicer and blender that comes with several attachments to expand its functions, as well as a few hand-picked Emeril-original recipes.

#2 – 3-in-1 Hand Blender: Oster designed a hand blender that does all sorts of handy tasks. You can mix your drinks with the hand-blender setup, cut and grate solids with the chopper attachment and carve your turkey with the electric knife. It may be because the holidays are so close, but this small appliance has me thinking it can help me with the entire Thanksgiving feast, from carving the bird to mixing the drink I know I’m going to need by the end of the night!

#3 – MultiCooker: Fagor designed one appliance for all of your cooking needs, from the six-minute rush to the 9.5 hour steep. The MultiCooker is a rice steamer, pressure cooker and slow cooker all in one. The downside, however, is that you have to choose one function at a time. But still, it’s very handy and the best part of all? You no longer need an entire cabinet to store these three appliances since they’re all part of this sleek and compact all-in-1 gadget.

#4 – Microwave Drawer: This idea is so simple and genius. Give yourself some extra countertop space with a lowered microwave drawer. The drawer can be set under the countertop and pulls out just like any other drawer. It’s great for shorter people and kids that want to heat up some nuggets for themselves.

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The average homeowner’s lifestyle is hectic with fleeting moments of family time. It makes sense that the one room where everyone wants to congregate at the end of the day is the soothing, aroma-filled kitchen. Baptized the “hub” of the household, the kitchen is the one place where people hang out even if the chef is on strike. Over the years, this magnetic room has been covertly coaxing the living room furniture closer to the kitchen, inch by inch, and finally – a trend is born. Homeowners are furnishing their kitchens to accommodate family and guests in what’s now called the live-in kitchen.

Actually, the trend was born much earlier than you think. Over a hundred years ago, the kitchen and living room took up one room and stories were told around the hearth. The trend is back, but in a 21st century kind of way. The comfort of the new kitchen promotes relaxation. It’s a place where American families can talk about their day, solve problems, plan futures, do homework, watch TV, Google points of contention to outsmart each other in debate, and sometimes even cook.

Today’s kitchen remodeling includes comfort elements like an overstuffed sofa to kick back and enjoy that cup of java and newspaper in style. Or, a side table and rocking chair for reading that juicy novel and sipping hot tea. The focus is on lifestyle and creating a space where you can cook, help the kids with their homework, catch the seven o’clock news, return phone calls and never miss a beat or a prized conversation.

At the core of our socio-domestic fabric is cooking, entertaining and conversation, and the new live-in kitchen reflects those ideals. The live-in kitchen is a practical solution that incorporates comfort with function and turns an average kitchen into an ideal setting for living and entertaining.

Photo Credit: KitchenIdeas, TrendsIdeas, & HGTV

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Nothing is written in stone here, but these are some levelheaded suggestions of things not to do during a kitchen remodel, simply because they make the project more costly, more difficult or heck, because it’s just a really BAD idea.

Don’t end up with a kitchen that looks like this…

…when you had this one in mind!

DON’T…

• Begin before you plan.
• Gut when you could modify the space.
• Get stuck in the old layout; think outside the existing design and walls
• Underestimate the cost, time and frustration of this project… aaaahhhh!
• Disregard the work triangle (the access of the sink, refrigerator and stove from one another) or you’ll be running in circles.
• Do it yourself when you should hire a pro.
• Choose dark in small kitchens.
• Diverge from your home’s style so that the kitchen is a misfit.

Cool-Headed CalFinder Advice

1. Never go trendy on a whim when you’re usually traditional and practical.
2. If an island doesn’t fit, it doesn’t fit – no matter how much you want it there.
3. Never make a kitchen decision unless you’re positively excited about it.
4. Be careful not to over-improve and out-price your home’s resale value.
5. Try not to install permanent cabinet shelves. Adjustable shelving instead gives you space for tall cereal boxes.
6. Think about function. Don’t buy cabinets on looks alone.
7. Don’t block cabinet doors and drawers from opening with appliance handles, tight corners and other obstructions.
8. Add pot drawers if your new oven has a warming drawer for rolls instead of a space for pots and pans
9. Don’t forget to plan for venting the stove.
10. Never relocate the stove unless you plan for the hassle of rewiring and rerunning gas lines.
11. Guard against senseless indulgence (i.e. buying a professional grade stove when you go out so much that waiters know you by name).
12. Don’t place the dishwasher too far away from sink – think about plumbing and practicality.
13. You shouldn’t move the kitchen sink unless you want to go to the trouble to also re-plumb.
14. Buy the sink before the faucet, and count those holes to assure a match.
15. Don’t scrimp on outlets and lighting. Quality matters.
16. Upgrade to durable flooring, not the variety that buckles with the first splash of water.

Photo Credits: farm3, Decor Design, & Trendir

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#1 – Painted with the color and finish of a red sports car, these metal cabinets offer a sleek appearance alongside stainless steel appliances.

#2 – Wake up to piping hot coffee and these sunshine yellow cabinets, and you’re bound to have a bright day!

#3 – This cook spot radiates a rather sultry glow with deep reds and dramatic lighting.

#4 – Made from eco-friendly wheat board, these cabinets are green in more ways than one.

#5 – Just right for sunflowers. Powder-blue cabinets complemented by a checkerboard wall pattern give this kitchen an inviting cottage look.

#6 – Chopping block countertops atop orange cabinets soften the color and warm the room.

#7 – Indigo cabinetry is for the cook who serves wine, makes their own Crème Brule and seasons with thyme and rosemary.

#8 – Leave behind the uneventful day and tiresome drive home when you walk into this zealous purple cook space.

#9 – This splash of color was created with lots of masking tape, one weekend’s time and a toss up as to whether the cabinet makeover required more paint or patience. The end result is psychedelic and psycho-bright!

#10 – It’s not all about the cabinets. This Nova Scotia kitchen is colorful from top to bottom.

#11 – Light turquoise cabinets are accented with red chair cushions for a cool contrast in color.

#12 – Neat as a pin and bright as a penny, blue cabinets are trendy these days.

#13 – Take a deep breath and sit back to unwind in the distinction and boldness of this gray space. An area for cooking can be strikingly colorful without bright paint.

#14 – Brighten white cabinets with a green island and some fun decorations. And don’t forget the checkerboard floor.

#15 – Refreshing as mint, this homeowner wanted the cabinets to match their toaster – and they’re right on.

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There are a lot of ways to design your kitchen – modern, retro, classy, elegant, etc. Few decorating themes are as enduring and beautiful as the Tuscany kitchen design.

The Tuscany Kitchen

Tuscany is an area of Italy – that amazingly beautiful region with unbelievable hills, acres of wine country, the Italy that appears on postcards and travel brochures. The Tuscany kitchen design borrows this beauty and delivers it to your kitchen. The result is a throwback to old Italy – still-life paintings, old wine bottles and an aura of ancient romance.

Characteristics

Photo Credit: Tuscan Kitchen Remodeling Ideas

Tuscany kitchens are not showy and elaborate. They are simple, functional, and a bit on the rustic side. Coloring is dominated by buttery yellow or butterscotch tones, complemented by hints of wine red and forest green. The bottom line is that they exhibit a raw, earthy beauty that surrounds you with inspiration but makes you feel at home, too.

Countertops

Countertops are usually earth-toned and composed of tiles rather than smooth marble or vinyl.

Cabinets

Photo Credit: Carpenter Shop

Cabinets in Tuscany kitchens are marked by simplicity. There may be ridges and some simple carving. The colors are natural – oak, yellowish white, or off-white.

Flooring

Tiles rule. In the Tuscany kitchen, tiles complement horizontal spaces with that rugged simplicity and originality. They may even grace the walls.

Layout

Most contemporary kitchen layouts adapt well to a Tuscany design. Often, ingredients such as dried beans, seasonings, flour, etc., are stored openly in glass or copper containers. A simple natural wood table works well as an island or preparation area.

Décor

While design stores are rife with decor options for Tuscany kitchens, the keyword is minimal. Don’t detract from the overall simplicity of the approach with an astonishing array of knick-knacks. Choose several well-placed items to draw attention to components of the overall design.

Ambience

The general ambience is warm and inviting. There are open spaces, lots of light, and the kind of feel that inspired Leonardo and nurtured Dante.

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